I have been a stranger in a strange land.

Hard to believe it's been two months since I updated this thing, more than once. Two months? And a month since I've seen Scott. John, yeah, I hang with him, but he's always around. I don't have to make an attempt, have initiative. I'm finding it hard to maintain initiative now.

I've stopped as far as being out and doing much, trying to save up, to be ready whenever issues are resolved and I have my freedom again. A movie at the second-run theatre the night of the last workday of the week is about all I do these days. But freedom.. man, I was this close. I had just enough for a six-month lease, I had the apartment found that I wanted to be in, the only one I've found that I'd want. Old, regal, lonely. All that was left was to give them the money, and move.

 

But not with my dad like this again. But I didn't know this a month ago. Which is why I held back. I had to know what he was like, what his illness was progressing to, or if it was active again at all. Before I began my way off. And now I know. It's not just a passing hyperactive phase, as it would be on occasion. He's going into his full-blown mania. Again. I wonder how long it'll be before he is fired from his job now, and lives on the street like a broken shell.. He's already begun the psychosis. Remembering things that weren't there. And we told him. It would happen again. We told him. The sad, sad fool.

 

On a more mundane topic. I finally got the scores to the films Stay and The Fountain yesterday. After months of delaying..pssh. And I've been noticing something. Some of my favorite music is turning out to be modern classical, of sorts. This mortal coil, dead can dance, patrick o'hearn, clint mansell, asche & spencer.. some of this stuff is incredible. I mean, like dance lessons, by a & s. Or Stay with Me, by mansell. Maybe it's only because I saw the movies first, but those songs are some of the most dreamlike pieces.. and yearning, evocative... the emotions that they produce are hard to put into words.

It's raining out there again. Listening to waves become wings, from this mortal coil. Distant vocals, a tolling bell. The song fits. Mood, thought, everything. The world always seems so fresh, with life anew after it rains, as if during the rain it is being born, or passing on. Or both.

I wish the storm season lasted longer than it does here, I miss this.

 

I wish I was away from here. Right now. Where I don't know.. somewhere far off, seeing amazing things. Somewhere I don't know. Beautiful things. I want to be off, finding whatever awaits me somewhere in the world, I want something to pull me away, I want to love something that is enough to pull me away, to find this hidden life inside me. God I do.

Another two days, and I'm off. Go me. I merely have to ensure that I don't drown floating in the rafts or inner tubes or whatever it will be down the water earlier on the day I go..

Strange how a friend can talk one into doing things, such as rafting down a river, that might endanger one's immediate mobility, on the cusp of a different adventure. But I guess I can think of it as.. my personal prologue, a pre-adventure.  Inner tube, shorts, and sunburn, here I come.

But then the plane. New York. Manhatten, for a day. Until the train. Alone, hopefully lost into the swallowing towered labyrinth of the place long enough to forget that I'll have to leave. But I won't want to. Odd how that is. Even before the journey has begun, you know you won't want to come home.

I haven't left yet, though. Aw.. Two. more. days. But man, I can't wait until I'm gone.

Another piece that I really admire. A song about obsession. A broken way. The cinematography of this one, how they were painting with light, the approach they chose artistically.. good stuff, this. That song never grows old.